The Spoiled Child Olympics

Nasty things have a way of happening even though intentions may have been the very best. Think of the Chinese government. They thought their one-child-per-couple scheme was going to take care of over-population. What they didn't count on was the creation of a mind-boggling number of Chinese only-children all being spoiled beyond measure by their own parents and extended family. Chinese mommies and daddies are in a real lather, because having lots of kids used to mean having lots of people around to help the family and eventually take care of the older crowd. They don't have skilled nursing facilities or the Chinese equivalent of Leisure World. In this year of the Atlanta Summer Olympic Games, when the Chinese people are poised to give the world a run for its money, there is one area where American children will win hands down. The Chinese still have a lot to learn before their kids can even begin to compete with ours in the SPOILED CHILD OLYMPICS. You may think your child is already very spoiled and would qualify easily, but read the following to see if your son or daughter is ready for the supermarket sectionals and mall major leagues. Scoping out the competition should take you to the nearest grocery store. With any luck you will hear the petulant whine which is the preamble to the full-blown, red-faced, writhing, down on-the linoleum-floor temper tantrum. Points are awarded for stamina and the number of heads which turn in alarm or pity. More points are awarded if the child is throwing a tantrum in the NO CANDY check-out lane. My son once lost it in this supposedly 'parent-friendly' space and screamed for what seemed like hours for me to buy him nail clippers and a package of plant food stakes. A child like that deserves points for cunning and ingenuity. Hollering for Skittles and M&M's is so obvious.
The supermarket grand prize is awarded to those children who can make their parents lower their standards to horrifying new depths. A truly spoiled child knows this can best be done in the cereal aisle. Long gone are the days when I would buy cereal coming only in various shades of brown. I used to announce with pride, "I shall never, ever, buy a cereal that turns the milk a color not found in nature!" Like a rock, I've been chipped, chipped away. Deep shame convulses me as I allow a person currently attending kindergarten to dictate our family's breakfast choices. In my shopping cart can now be found cereals created to resemble little waffles, little ice-cream cones, little pieces of cinnamon toast, and little super heroes. In order to be in the running for this prize, the child has to be able to convince a parent to buy a box of LUCKY CHARMS and a jar of marshmallow FLUFF during the SAME SHOPPING TRIP.
Once the supermarket has been mastered, it is time for the child to move on to the bigger ticket items at the mall. For this child, a piece of gum or a free cookie piece from the bulk food section becomes small potatoes. The mall offers a seemingly endless array of desirable and glittering objects beckoning the most vulnerable members of our society. For the mall events, a child has to have the lung capacity for a scream loud enough to draw a crowd of between 20 - 30 people. The screaming should be of such vibrant intensity that mall workers are compelled to leave their various kiosks, armed with cellular phones and the assumption they'll soon be calling the Department of Social Services. The parent should be no more than three feet away from the child and reminded to keep a strict accounting of the tantrum's duration.
Major points are awarded when the gathered crowd divides according to clear, demographic lines. The over-sixty, grandparent crowd, should be induced to chants of "DON'T GIVE IN, YOU'LL SPOIL HIM, DON'T GIVE IN YOU'LL SPOIL HIM!!!" The Gap, Baby Gap, and Aprica stroller crowd should counter with, "GIVE HIM SOME ALTERNATIVES," "FOCUS ON HIS POSITIVES!!!" Extra points are always given for turning blue in the face or throwing up. Qualifying for the Spoiled Child Olympics takes energy, grit, and determination. These are the very qualities that have made our country great. Creating the next generation of spoiled children is not an easy task and must not be treated lightly. We, not the Chinese, must take a great leap forward.
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